"No one is okay, and all of us are fine."

This is my new mantra. I am currently going through some rough times emotionally. The course material for this part of the semester is really hard for me. We are studying maternity and fetal development. About two and a half years ago, I was pregnant and lost my baby halfway through the pregnancy. To make a long story short, I had to deal with this mostly on my own because my ex-boyfriend was such a royal ass (don't even get me started...). My parents and friends were very supportive but it was really a shock because i was so far along in the pregnancy (already at 20 weeks). I had to be admitted to the hospital for what was basically induced labor. I know this is all very personal, and I'm not sure why I'm feeling so open, but mostly I am trying to deal and process this tragic event in my life that somehow I never fully dealt with.

So needless to say, the maternity section will be very challenging. I did tell my clinical instructor so that she knew what i was working with in case something happened during our labor and delivery rotation. As soon as I started telling her, my eyes welled up with tears, and still now, I can't seem to keep the tears at bay. There are so many images and visceral reactions that get triggered by the lectures and readings. Like I said, this will be a challenging semester. But I have many great girl friends in the program as well as some wonderful old friends here in Austin that I've known since middle school.

Self-care is very high on my list of priorities this year. I have forced myself to be an early riser. (it's not as hard as i thought) Every day (even weekends) for the last ten days I have gotten up at six am- without snoozing! For any of you who lived with me in the past know that i used to set my alarm a good forty minutes early just so i could hit the snooze button a few times! Along with getting up early, I have been taking about thirty minutes to sit quietly in the living room with a mug of tea and a thoughtful book I'm reading. It's a book my dad lent me over the holiday, and it's called, "Start where you are." It's a book based on some Tibetan Buddhist principles, and so far, I have found it very helpful in my quest to live a more balanced life. There have been many passages I have found insightful and helpful, but one in particular is the saying that I chose for the title of this oh-so-very personal blog entry. "No one is okay, and all of us are fine." I could go through and explain my interpretation of the passage, but really i would rather let you just sit and marinate on that simple phrase. It really resonates with me, and reminds me I am a part of all existence, and that I am never really alone.

In 2006 when I was grieving the loss of my baby girl, there was an old Mountain Goats song that my sister had loved the year before. It got us both through really rough times. The song is called, "This Year", and the best part is the really angsty chorus that sings, "I am gonna make it through this year, if it kills me." I won't tell you how many times i blasted it in my little Nissan, singing loudly through my tears. Okay, well I do need to get to my readings for class tomorrow, but I feel happy to have gotten some of this out of my head and off my chest. Sometimes it's just so much more of a burden to carry all your hurt around with you. Sharing is caring.