A Brilliant Turning Point

I've done it. I have separated my feelings from my test scores. Okay, so let me explain. We have pathophysiology tests every wednesday morning. Generally my scores have been okay, some up and some down, but nearly every week, i let that grade dictate my mood for the day. Early in the semester when i was figuring out the test style and format, i was in tears some days (over a frickin B i might add! how ridiculous is that?). That is no way to participate in life. It reminds me of something one of my wise classmates said early this summer, "This is grad school- everyone is brilliant and school is really hard. If you only get your self worth from your grades, i'd be really concerned about it." Okay so even though i used quotes, i am paraphrasing, and she was refering to a friend of hers from college who got all of her pride from working hard and getting A's in school. While it is a positive trait to get pride from working hard, it can be detrimental to one's mental health to get so much self-worth from an arbitrary grade. When i first heard Bev talk about that, i was like, oh yeah, that's no way to get through life. But these last few months i've let myself sink into that downward and sometimes upward spiral of mood swings based on grade fluctuations. (and i'm pretty sure adam is not appreciating it! but he's a trooper and he loves me, neuroses and all)

I read a book called the four agreements or something and it talked about how you shouldn't take things personally. Good or bad things. I wanted to cringe, because i was just working on not taking negative things personally, but i was really holding on to those positive compliments i received. I still have not mastered it, and i fully admit it makes me happy when someone tells me i helped them or when i do well, i feel pride. So here's where patho comes in. I chose today to not let my test score dictate my mood. It's just a grade, and a mere 7% of my final grade at that (thanks mindy for calculating out every assignment's worth).

I mostly think of this because I see a good friend of mine, who is so brilliant and hard working, get so caught up in grades, and letting them equal her worth. And i think the reason i see it so clearly is because I see myself in her. Each week, i see her either giddy and excited or really depressed and mopey. And up until today, i was the same way- i just didn't recognize it because i had done well on recent tests, and was in great moods on wednesdays. But the truth is that I know that i am a smart, capable and caring person who is going to make a great nurse. I may not know everything i need to know now, but i am putting my best effort into this very intensive program, and that is what i take pride in. I need to start pulling my happiness out from within, because i'm not going to make it through this program if i let a grade on an exam tell me how i feel and who i am. I am not my grade on a twenty question patho exam.