this wall matches my stethoscope

okay, well right now i'm just procrastinating. i just flipped through my book and counted 100 more pages that i need to read today. Yes it is saturday, in a city where half the population is drinking and watching college football or drinking and smoking enjoying Austin City Limits. I am drinking coffee- chai, actually, with two much needed shots of espresso. I'm trying out a new coffee shop near my house, and it's wonderful. Thunderbird Coffee right on the corner of woodrow and 2222- lots of big windows and knowledgeable, friendly barristas (is still barristas if they're male?) anyways, I've got a little corner here with a good hard chair (better to stay focused) and lots of natural light. Oh, and i just looked over and noticed these great comfy chairs in the middle with bongo drum-looking foot stools. awesome. anyways, i'm here trying to get a jump on the week. and now that i look into it, i should have started much earlier in the day.

i had a minor meltdown on both thursday and friday this week. i'm starting to feel like i need to schedule my breakdowns on my calendar so that i can better anticipate them and plan accordingly. The funny thing is that i actually did well on my patho test this week (95!) and yet i'm still a blubbering mess when documents crash or can't be opened on different computers. Definitely something to work on... Okay, well i'm going to get back to reading about ageism and the myths of aging.

oh, i nearly forgot- I finally got my stethoscope in the mail today! It is much nicer than the cheapo one i had borrowed from the learning center (and i was easily able to take Adam's blood pressure- so much better!). I also just noticed that the wall of this coffee shop matches my lovely plum master cardiology III, thank you very much. Anyways, i really am going back to work now. I hope all you people out there enjoying your weekend truly appreciate it. man, i wish i could be at ACL.

Rockstar, how i love you so...

Yes, i know that there must be crack in those drinks, but darnit if it didn't completely turn my world back right side up. For two days i was a huge giant, weepy stressball. I felt like i had more work and tests than i could possibly complete (let alone do well on), and that didn't even include actually preparing for lectures or doing reading assignments. Two of my major assignments were both due today, and they both seemed like a complete waste of time.(or at least just busy work) Furthermore, one of my professors insisted that we hand in our papers (ready for this- on paper) and before eight o'clock this morning. It's bad enough we couldn't email the stinking three page papers (she didn't want to wear our her printer- she, being the one who has a job and an income)- mind you there are only eight of us in her clinical group. We have class on Friday mornings at nine am, and we tried to compromise to see if we could turn it in by nine, when we will already be in the building for class. But no, she wanted to be able to grade them that morning, and she might want to start at 7:30. So i took the early bus so i could get to school in time, and was she in her office- no. of course not. how obnoxious. so then i tried to get something productive done in the forty five minutes i had to kill before class.

But back to the rockstar being the nectar of the gods- even my prof's tardiness didn't really put me in a bad mood. For two days (not completely coincidental that my misery started with my B on a patho test wednesday morning) i was a complete emotional wreck. I felt completely incapable and stupid, and yes i am very well aware that this was irrational- but i was a sad little weepy mess. Poor Adam for having to deal with me and try to make me see the ludicrosity of my absent self-worth. (yes it's a word- look it up- well it is in the urban dictionary- does that count?) Anyways, halfway into my 16 oz can of sugar free Rockstar, i was well on my way to being eloquent and productive on both my paper and assignment. I have been in a much better mood all day. I even skipped a graduate student happy hour to finish a giant chapter in my Med/Surg text for the test on wednesday (yes, we do have an exam every frickin wednesday morning).

Well, I'm going to get some laundry together (Adam and I are heading down to San Antonio to housesit for his parents (and their lovely washer/dryer). It's going to be a wonderful weekend filled with family and good friends (and probably a good deal of studying, too, if i know what's good for me). Next week will be pretty challenging- probably worse than this week. Monday and Tuesday are our first full days of clinical rotations. They start at 6:30 in the morning and last until nearly 3pm. (and Tuesday i have to drive 30 minutes north to Round Rock) So needless to say, i'm going to try to get a head start on studying for the next patho test, and maybe crack one of my other books, too.

feeling far away...

I couldn't sleep last night. Part of it might have been the three DDPs i had at eight o'clock in the evening (that's diet dr. pepper for those who don't know me very well), but mostly i think it's because of some bad news i got yesterday. One of my friends from college died last week in an accident. He was one of those fabulously friendly people that always had a smile on his face. I hadn't seen him, or any of my college friends since our reunion in 2006, and i'm just really missing my Macalester family. The tragic nature of his death is just all too reminiscent of our friend Paul who died right before spring break of our senior year. Our class came together in a beautiful and supportive way- everyone exchanging hugs and telling great stories. But now i'm so far away from anyone that knew Patrick.

Both Patrick and Paul were people who crossed over into everyone's friend-group. I always remember Patrick smiling and being the life of some party, even if it was just fifteen people in a friend's apartment. I loved my undergrad experience, and i am really bummed that i don't have the resources to go see all my beloved friends. This whole awful mess just makes me realize how important it is to keep in touch with the people we love. For all my Macalester friends- i love you all and miss you terribly. I hope we all can find the love and strength to cope with this tragedy. We'll miss that devilish grin, Patrick!

Totally Tachycardic

Well school seems to be flying by, and i haven't really taken a moment yet to sit back and reflect on this new semester. It's been a whirlwind, and with three classes now instead of one, it is about six times more difficult to keep track of all assignments, tests, clinicals, etc. Our professors tried to make us feel better by telling us that one of our classes is actually separated into three classes for the undergrads. So if it feels like it's three times as intensive, it's because it is. For some reason that didn't make me feel all that much better.

Last week we had our first patho test, and it was awful. She redesigned the tests so that we would have 10 tests over a smaller amount of material (basically about one a week), and the tests are only 20 questions and we take them online. While this sounds great, the first test was such a slap in the face. The test is structured so you have only thirty minutes (with a counting down timer in the corner to stress you out even more), and the questions are displayed one at a time so that you can't go back and reconsider your answers. Okay, so i recognize that this is supposed to help us prepare for the NCLEX next fall, but it's really tough because i always go back and double check my answers. About half way through the test, i started thinking about how many questions i might have missed, and my heartbeat just took off- totally tachycardic. I tried to calm myself down, but i just didn't do well on the test. As it turned out, she gave us back some points, so i still ended up with an A on the exam, but that didn't make me feel any better. Did i mention these test questions (also in NCLEX style) are questions where they tell you all four answers are correct, but you have to choose the BEST answer. Or they'll say, when someone presents with these symptoms you should do all these things, but which one should you do FIRST? Aaack! So even though i went into the exam as prepared as i thought i could be from our lecture notes, i wasn't at all prepared for the mind bending questions.

So for this next exam, i am studying much differently. I still plan on knowing the pathophysiology backwards and forwards, but I plan to focus more on the nursing roles. (the class is actually called "Nursing Resoponses to Physiological Alterations to Health") I went to half-price books and found two study guides that will help a lot with the critical thinking and nursing implications. One is for the med/surg nursing book they used last year (it was only 12 bucks!) and another one is for the patho book they suggested we use as a reference (that one was only $6!). My friend, Mindy has the study guide for the med/surg text we are primarily using, and we have been going over the questions together. I think we will be much better prepared- i already feel like i can think through the multiple choice questions in a more analytical and logical way. Well, i'm off to finish some reading up on heart failure. sounds disturbing, but it's really fun- i love this stuff!