The Cheering Section in the OR

So this week's clinical day ended with nearly everyone in tears because we were laughing so hard. One of the women in my clinical group (all of whom are fantastic) is hilariously dramatic. She is always so perky and funny about things. Normally i think it would bug me, but you can't help but love her! So she got to go down to watch a surgery on one of the patients on our floor. There was a bit of a hold up because the nasty plastic surgeon was a real bear and said absolutely no students. Somehow, Robin totally won him over. So she comes up from the surgery all flushed and glowing and immediately spilled the story of her fantastic stint in the OR. I don't think i'll be able to describe it well enough to really get across the true brilliance of it, but i still crack up just thinking about it.

So the doctor was all angry and cursing all over the operating room, all, "F this and F that", so after he yelled at a couple of people he got his way and started doing something (i can't remember exactly what happened), but Robin decided that his gruff nature would really need a little cheer- that would stroke his ego just enough. So in her cute little high pitched voice she claps her hands and says, "Yay Dr. Thompson!!". He turned around and took notice of her but kept acting all nasty to the other people in the room. I think something was going on and they were trying to figure out what to do with a wound on the leg, and she shouts "just close that sucker up Dr. Thompson, you can do it!". I think this is where she totally won him over. He laughed and went ahead with what he was doing. He even answered some of her questions when she asked what he was doing. Everyone else in the operating room was just looking at each other, like who is this girl? She kept it up through the end of the surgery, and as she was walking out someone, i guess, commented on how she was the only one able to deal with him. To which she flippantly replies with a little wrist flip, "he's a gentle boy, he needs a soft touch." and sashayed out of the OR. It was fantastic!! She is so cute and dramatic, i just wish i could do her justice. She totally won him over, and apparently he's a total ass to both his patients and other staff, so it's even funnier that a second semester nursing student was able to have such an impact!

A Brilliant Turning Point

I've done it. I have separated my feelings from my test scores. Okay, so let me explain. We have pathophysiology tests every wednesday morning. Generally my scores have been okay, some up and some down, but nearly every week, i let that grade dictate my mood for the day. Early in the semester when i was figuring out the test style and format, i was in tears some days (over a frickin B i might add! how ridiculous is that?). That is no way to participate in life. It reminds me of something one of my wise classmates said early this summer, "This is grad school- everyone is brilliant and school is really hard. If you only get your self worth from your grades, i'd be really concerned about it." Okay so even though i used quotes, i am paraphrasing, and she was refering to a friend of hers from college who got all of her pride from working hard and getting A's in school. While it is a positive trait to get pride from working hard, it can be detrimental to one's mental health to get so much self-worth from an arbitrary grade. When i first heard Bev talk about that, i was like, oh yeah, that's no way to get through life. But these last few months i've let myself sink into that downward and sometimes upward spiral of mood swings based on grade fluctuations. (and i'm pretty sure adam is not appreciating it! but he's a trooper and he loves me, neuroses and all)

I read a book called the four agreements or something and it talked about how you shouldn't take things personally. Good or bad things. I wanted to cringe, because i was just working on not taking negative things personally, but i was really holding on to those positive compliments i received. I still have not mastered it, and i fully admit it makes me happy when someone tells me i helped them or when i do well, i feel pride. So here's where patho comes in. I chose today to not let my test score dictate my mood. It's just a grade, and a mere 7% of my final grade at that (thanks mindy for calculating out every assignment's worth).

I mostly think of this because I see a good friend of mine, who is so brilliant and hard working, get so caught up in grades, and letting them equal her worth. And i think the reason i see it so clearly is because I see myself in her. Each week, i see her either giddy and excited or really depressed and mopey. And up until today, i was the same way- i just didn't recognize it because i had done well on recent tests, and was in great moods on wednesdays. But the truth is that I know that i am a smart, capable and caring person who is going to make a great nurse. I may not know everything i need to know now, but i am putting my best effort into this very intensive program, and that is what i take pride in. I need to start pulling my happiness out from within, because i'm not going to make it through this program if i let a grade on an exam tell me how i feel and who i am. I am not my grade on a twenty question patho exam.

This is officially "not good."

Man, i am exhausted. I am just now sitting down at about five pm for the first time since six this morning. So I prop my throbbing feet up on the ottoman and sit down to reflect on my day. Today is my clinical shift at the hospital on an IMC/Telemetry floor. (for you lay people, that means that half the people are intermediate care (IMC) or on cardiac monitoring (telemetry) although mostly they're both. My patient that i cared for today was not doing well. As my professor put it, this is officially (with air quotes) "not good". He came into the hospital for a GI bleed, and most likely will not be getting out. He is one of those people that lived his whole life eating whatever he chose and sitting on the couch. One nurse description was, "he's been a non-compliant patient his whole life". While i think she was a bit of a grouch and left some things to be desired in her nursing care, it's true. Most likely people have been trying to tell him for the last thirty years (he's only in his early seventies) to take better care of himself and eat well or exercise at least a little bit. But, as one of my classmates reminded me, there is something to be said for living on your own terms but dying a little sooner.

When i checked his labs this morning, his BUN and creatinine had shot up to 60 and 2.5, and one of the first things we learned this summer was that when BUN and creatinine rise together, it signals renal failure. I just wish that were his only problem. I don't want to violate any patient privacy issues, but just to make a long sad story short, he ended up with multiple organ system failures. The treatment for one caused the other, but when they stop that treatment, the first gets worse... it was all one big mess. So all day i just tried to keep him as comfortable as possible. But I don't think I will ever get the look on his face out of my mind. His eyes got really big when we had to move him because of how much pain he was in, and all day he just kept repeating, "oh my God". By the end of my shift with him, the doctor came to evaluate him and sent him to get a CT scan done to, as he put it- "I'm not ruling out retroperitoneal hemorrhage- I'm confirming it". After that, he was moved down to ICU where hopefully he'll make a recovery, but the way his bloodwork looked and what the Doctor and my professor said, it did not look good.

When i first realized how bad off he was I had to choke back some tears because he reminded me of my dad. No, let me rephrase that- he was my biggest fear of how my dad would end up. Severely obese with multiple organ system health problems. But my dad has impressed me so much with his progress. He has lost over forty pounds, and is on his way to taking back his life and his body. (although apparently he'd prefer to have cartilage in his hips, so that needs to be fixed, but other than that he is doing wonderfully). So i just choked back those tears and silently thanked my God (and my dad) for listening to my pleas. I just wish him and his family peace and strength to endure what has got to be a really hard couple of days ahead. Blessed Be.

My new work area!!

Yay Ikea! I finally have a study area set up in my bedroom. I don't know why it took so long, but i have a wonderful little area now that i can escape to (and letting Adam watch tv or listen to music occasionally). Furthermore, it means that my ten billion textbooks aren't just scattered around the living room all willy nilly. sorry, but i've always wanted to use the expression willy nilly, and it finally seems appropriate.

As you see here, (besides the fact that, yes, i do need to vacuum) i've got a big giant bookcase which can be accessed from both sides. So on the other side is my bed, and i have my alarm clock and some nighttime reading and knitting supplies facing that side, and all my books and study supplies facing towards the desk.

Sadly, i did have to move Max's window perch/scratch tower because it didn't fit. But not to fear, i moved it to Adam's window area and plan on getting one of those small little window shelfs for cats so Max (or Nigel) can hang out while i'm working.

This past week was still very hectic, as all weeks are in grad school apparently. However, i got A's on both of my exams that we had on wednesday (and i might add, only an hour appart). I know i need to work on getting too much satisfaction and/or personal worth from my grades, but i'm really excited about doing well. I had been struggling in the begining of the year, and i was worried i might
actually make (gasp) a B. That will not, hopefully, be the case. Especially now that i'm super productive Katie with her super studious space!

ps. please ignore the unmade bed on the left (the maid hasn't come in yet this week) lol.

this wall matches my stethoscope

okay, well right now i'm just procrastinating. i just flipped through my book and counted 100 more pages that i need to read today. Yes it is saturday, in a city where half the population is drinking and watching college football or drinking and smoking enjoying Austin City Limits. I am drinking coffee- chai, actually, with two much needed shots of espresso. I'm trying out a new coffee shop near my house, and it's wonderful. Thunderbird Coffee right on the corner of woodrow and 2222- lots of big windows and knowledgeable, friendly barristas (is still barristas if they're male?) anyways, I've got a little corner here with a good hard chair (better to stay focused) and lots of natural light. Oh, and i just looked over and noticed these great comfy chairs in the middle with bongo drum-looking foot stools. awesome. anyways, i'm here trying to get a jump on the week. and now that i look into it, i should have started much earlier in the day.

i had a minor meltdown on both thursday and friday this week. i'm starting to feel like i need to schedule my breakdowns on my calendar so that i can better anticipate them and plan accordingly. The funny thing is that i actually did well on my patho test this week (95!) and yet i'm still a blubbering mess when documents crash or can't be opened on different computers. Definitely something to work on... Okay, well i'm going to get back to reading about ageism and the myths of aging.

oh, i nearly forgot- I finally got my stethoscope in the mail today! It is much nicer than the cheapo one i had borrowed from the learning center (and i was easily able to take Adam's blood pressure- so much better!). I also just noticed that the wall of this coffee shop matches my lovely plum master cardiology III, thank you very much. Anyways, i really am going back to work now. I hope all you people out there enjoying your weekend truly appreciate it. man, i wish i could be at ACL.

Rockstar, how i love you so...

Yes, i know that there must be crack in those drinks, but darnit if it didn't completely turn my world back right side up. For two days i was a huge giant, weepy stressball. I felt like i had more work and tests than i could possibly complete (let alone do well on), and that didn't even include actually preparing for lectures or doing reading assignments. Two of my major assignments were both due today, and they both seemed like a complete waste of time.(or at least just busy work) Furthermore, one of my professors insisted that we hand in our papers (ready for this- on paper) and before eight o'clock this morning. It's bad enough we couldn't email the stinking three page papers (she didn't want to wear our her printer- she, being the one who has a job and an income)- mind you there are only eight of us in her clinical group. We have class on Friday mornings at nine am, and we tried to compromise to see if we could turn it in by nine, when we will already be in the building for class. But no, she wanted to be able to grade them that morning, and she might want to start at 7:30. So i took the early bus so i could get to school in time, and was she in her office- no. of course not. how obnoxious. so then i tried to get something productive done in the forty five minutes i had to kill before class.

But back to the rockstar being the nectar of the gods- even my prof's tardiness didn't really put me in a bad mood. For two days (not completely coincidental that my misery started with my B on a patho test wednesday morning) i was a complete emotional wreck. I felt completely incapable and stupid, and yes i am very well aware that this was irrational- but i was a sad little weepy mess. Poor Adam for having to deal with me and try to make me see the ludicrosity of my absent self-worth. (yes it's a word- look it up- well it is in the urban dictionary- does that count?) Anyways, halfway into my 16 oz can of sugar free Rockstar, i was well on my way to being eloquent and productive on both my paper and assignment. I have been in a much better mood all day. I even skipped a graduate student happy hour to finish a giant chapter in my Med/Surg text for the test on wednesday (yes, we do have an exam every frickin wednesday morning).

Well, I'm going to get some laundry together (Adam and I are heading down to San Antonio to housesit for his parents (and their lovely washer/dryer). It's going to be a wonderful weekend filled with family and good friends (and probably a good deal of studying, too, if i know what's good for me). Next week will be pretty challenging- probably worse than this week. Monday and Tuesday are our first full days of clinical rotations. They start at 6:30 in the morning and last until nearly 3pm. (and Tuesday i have to drive 30 minutes north to Round Rock) So needless to say, i'm going to try to get a head start on studying for the next patho test, and maybe crack one of my other books, too.

feeling far away...

I couldn't sleep last night. Part of it might have been the three DDPs i had at eight o'clock in the evening (that's diet dr. pepper for those who don't know me very well), but mostly i think it's because of some bad news i got yesterday. One of my friends from college died last week in an accident. He was one of those fabulously friendly people that always had a smile on his face. I hadn't seen him, or any of my college friends since our reunion in 2006, and i'm just really missing my Macalester family. The tragic nature of his death is just all too reminiscent of our friend Paul who died right before spring break of our senior year. Our class came together in a beautiful and supportive way- everyone exchanging hugs and telling great stories. But now i'm so far away from anyone that knew Patrick.

Both Patrick and Paul were people who crossed over into everyone's friend-group. I always remember Patrick smiling and being the life of some party, even if it was just fifteen people in a friend's apartment. I loved my undergrad experience, and i am really bummed that i don't have the resources to go see all my beloved friends. This whole awful mess just makes me realize how important it is to keep in touch with the people we love. For all my Macalester friends- i love you all and miss you terribly. I hope we all can find the love and strength to cope with this tragedy. We'll miss that devilish grin, Patrick!